Remember That
by auralcontra-exception
Summary: She's told him no many times. Kaidan doesn't believe her. Bolstered by a lot of liquid courage, he makes his move. Dark themes. Not for Kaidan lovers, sorry.
1. Chapter 1

**Remember That**

Chapter One

* * *

I leaned my head against the bathroom door. I was spent, wonderfully spent. I don't know what I was expecting when the idea popped in my head. A quick tension relieving romp, that had been the idea. The reality, was much better. Much, much better. Damn, that man could fuck.

Straightening up, then a quick stretch. Spent and content. Heh, seems I'm not the only one spent, as little more of him slipped out of me. One of the reasons for a quick shower. It's why I'm here in the middle of the night.

Reaching for the door control, I paused at the sound of footsteps, I scanned around looking for the source. Not seeing anything, I palmed the control. I stepped into the bathroom, dropping my towel in the process. Shit, I put the rest of my stuff on the counter, and turned to grab my towel.

Startled as an arm appeared from behind the wall, picking it up. "Iss a little late for this, don't ya think, Shepurd?" I was even more startled at who it was, and the condition he was in. Towel in one hand, bottle of something brown in the other.

I just stared at Kaiden, as he rocked back and forth on his feet. Shit, he was drunk. Really drunk. His usual brooding eyes were looking at me in a way that made me a little uncomfortable. And a bit on edge.

"You celebrating, or something, Kaiden?" I asked, reaching for my towel. He pulled it back, and pressed it to his face, sniffing loudly. OK, what the fuck? I stood a little straighter as my mind raced.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Was he that pissed that I wasn't bringing him on Ilos? Why was he drunk? And what the fuck was with the towel sniffing? Wait. His little crush on me hasn't turned psycho, has it?

He responded to my question with an eerie laugh. I slowly shifted into a defensive stance. He still had the towel over his face, but I wasn't taking any chances.

"Kaiden?" I asked, in a quiet, and hopefully friendly voice. Getting a bit nervous, as he was way out of character. He responded with another loud sniff, then thrusting the bottle toward me. "Celebrating. Have a drink with me. Just a little drink." Drunken speech slightly muffled by the towel. I took the bottle, as he pulled the towel from his face.

I tipped the bottle toward him, then asked. "What are we.." When he cut me off. "Smell nice. Have a drink with me." He waved at the bottle. I sniffed it, then took a small swig. Shit, what a burn. What was this crap? I heard him snort, as my eyes watered.

He grabbed the bottle, and took a huge drink. I shuddered just looking at it. He held the bottle out to me, smacking his lips saying. "A real drink. Urp, like that." He leaned forward a little, like he was about to whisper a secret. "Drink, … learned a new trick. So,. Drink up." What the fuck?

I took the bottle, more just to get it away from him. He's had way too much as it is. And the look in his eyes is not the most comforting. I can take him easily, and as drunk as he is now, it wouldn't take much to subdue him.

As long as he didn't go for his biotics. He was one powerful biotic, and I don't think he had the best control right now. If he went into full biotic mode, I was in trouble. I briefly thought about calling for help, then set that aside. He could inflict serious damage before help arrived, and shouting would most likely set him off.

My best option was to try and defuse him. Maybe I should just lay him out now. Seemed a little extreme though. Kaiden was one of the nicest guys I've ever met. A gentleman actually. He's too nice, that's your problem, Ash had said to me once. You only like the bad boys, she countered when I'd denied it.

Not true. Not true at all. Hell my longest relationship had been with a writer. He accepted who I was, and what I did for a living. _You're not a killer, it just happens to be your job_, he'd said after dinner one night. _Hell, I may even steal one of your stories. Make it my own, of course. I do have a reputation to uphold, you know_. Laughing as he said that.

I had liked him. A lot. Our careers had different paths though. We still kept in touch, little messages here and there. Even sent me a nice congratulatory note on making Spectre.

So, just clocking Kaiden out of the blue, didn't seem right. I need to find out why he was, well, celebrating, or whatever he was doing. I faked a huge chug, the shudder wasn't fake though. "What the hell is this shit, Kaiden? Fucking nasty." He looked hurt at that. "Nasty? Thas' good stuff. Cost me a fortune." Indignation crossing his face. I could handle indignation over his previous looks.

He threw my towel over his shoulder, and motioned for his bottle back. "Kaiden. Don't you think you've had enou-." Never finished. I didn't know he could move that fast. He lashed out with a kick to my stomach that knocked me flat on my back. Shit! I jumped back up, facing him. I may be in serious trouble. He was bathed in blue. A bright corona of blue. Yeah, I was in deep shit.

It was the look on his face that had me the most worried. Where had that rage come from? I'll worry about that later. I sensed more than saw his right arm move, and went into a full defensive stance. The way he moved, I expected a punch or a throw, not this. Everything was distorted by a shimmering blue field.

His expression changed from rage to glee. "Like my new trick?" He reached for the bottle as he said it. Then he began to circle around me. The most I could do was follow him with my eyes. When the fuck did he learn this?

"Well?" He was behind me, or at least that's what it sounded like. He confirmed it when he placed his hands on my shoulders. He'd obviously leaned in, I could feel his breath on my ear and neck. His scent overpowered by the alcohol on his breath. A mixture of citrus, sweat, and a lot of scotch.

He moved his hands to my upper arms. And placed his chin on my shoulder. "Pretty nifty trick. I'm quite proud of it, myself." He leaned forward, and I could just catch his grin out of the corner of my eye.

He then went on to explain the how. I wanted to know the why. If I wasn't trapped, and waiting for whatever he had planned, I might have cared about the how. How he could manipulate the stasis field to link with the targets energy field. Enveloping the target only, no sphere. Or how he could interact with me, while my energy field was static. I could move, just at a glacial pace.

I wanted the why. Why the hell was he doing this? Why the rage? Why had he planned this for so long?

This amount of rage couldn't be from my spurning his repeated advances could it?

I don't know, maybe. The last time I had been pretty rude about it. In my defense, it was about the seventh or eighth time I'd said thanks, but no thanks. Hell, I even gave Hackett a heads up on the issue. I didn't want Kaiden reprimanded, I just wanted it on record that I was becoming concerned.

To make this all even more surreal, he's been massaging my upper arms this entire time. I kept testing the field, looking for any signs of it weakening. Trust me, the second this thing collapses, Alenko's going to get the ass beating of a lifetime.

Always the quiet ones. I shouldn't have been shocked when he wrapped his arms around me and began squeezing my tits and nipples. "You always said no, but I know you meant yes. I know deep down, this is what you want." Well, there's my answer. Testing the field. Shit.

I'd been headed for the shower, so I wasn't exactly dressed. Shorts, and a t-shirt. That's it. Which he caught on to quickly. He slipped his hands under my shirt, resumed playing with my tits. With Ash gone, and other than Tali, I was the only female on board. We pretty much had the restroom to ourselves. Great.

He was definitely enjoying himself. His erection grinding against my ass, and his breathing heavier on my neck. He kept muttering, see, I knew you would, or I was right. Or a variation of that theme. I kept my mind on the ass kicking he was going to get later.

I sucked in an involuntary breath when he abruptly moved a hand under my sweats, then slid a finger in me. Oh, shit. "See. You say no, but your body's telling the truth." No. Wait. Kaiden, it's not what you think. It's not me. That's not me you feel, it's him. Shit.

"Damn, Shepard. You are so wet. I knew you wanted this." Damn. How much had he come earlier? If I could laugh, I would've died from laughter with his next statement. "Damn you're so wet. So wet, and taste so good." It physically hurt not being able to laugh.

I heard him behind me, most likely pulling his pants down. Yep, I could feel his bare erection when he pulled my shorts down. You better kill me Kaiden. You better fucking kill me, because I will kill you. You are fucking dead. I will fuck you with your own cock. I will rip that fucking thing off of you and beat you with it.

His hands had moved to my hips, he was trying to re-position me. Oh, I'm sorry it's difficult for you. I'm so sorry you trapped me in an awkward position. I could hear him grunting, and saying yes yes, yes. You better enjoy this. Because it's the last time you get to use that cock. I was so wrapped up in my fury I almost missed it. He was still trying to line things up, when he bumped my elbow. It moved. It moved quickly.

I flexed my left arm. He was so concentrated on fucking me, he forgot to hold the field. His bad.

I slammed both my elbows into him. He stumbled, but with his pants down, he lost his footing. I wasn't at full speed yet, didn't matter. All I needed to do was disable him. Keep him from using his biotics. I tried to turn, ah motherfucker. Stumbled on my shorts. I rolled on my back, and pulled them up.

I looked for him and sent a kick his way. Dammit, I was going for his head, and hit him in the neck, making an oomph sound. I just needed to keep him off-balance long enough. Keep him from triggering any of his biotic attacks.

I finally got back up, his pants were still down, making it difficult for him to get back up. He was still trying to get up, when I tackled him. No finesse, just put my shoulder into it, hitting him in the chest. I dropped on him, full weight, knocking the wind out of him.

I rolled and straddled him. I punched him in the nose for good measure. Fuck it, hit him again. He was gasping for air, trying to roll to his side. I guess gasping for air, and blood flowing down the back of your nose is unpleasant. Good.

He was feebly flailing his arms at me. He'd spew blood every time he tried to exhale. I almost hit him again, when I had a better idea. I reached back, grabbed his balls, and squeezed. Was this what you had planned for these guys tonight, you fuck? He made a strangling, gargling moan sound. I gave his balls a quick twist and let go. I gave him one last punch in the eye, for good measure. hurt like fucking hell.

I scooted back, and leaned against the wall. Catching my breath, just getting myself under control. He rolled on his side, gasping, moaning. I never took my eyes off him.

After a while, my breathing under control, still not sure if I was or not. I got up on my hands and knees and moved toward him. He eyed me warily. Good. He was still having a hard time breathing. Ask me if I care.

I put my face into his. He started to mouth something. "Don't" I shook my head. "Don't say a fucking word. What the fuck were you thinking?" He coughed, sputtered, then tried again to say something. "I just don't get it. Did you think you'd get away with it?" He coughed, and reached for me. Not in a threatening manner, just reaching out. I grabbed his hand, and started to bend a finger back. He moaned in pain, I let his arm drop.

I flopped down. I had never felt more exhausted and drained in my entire and physically.

"I just don't understand. I don't get it. I .. I don't understand. Why? Just, what the fuck were you thinking?" I shook my head.

"Kaiden." He lifted his head a bit. So I upped the volume. "Kaiden. Look at me. Hey, look at me." He looked at me the best he could. "Kaiden. Just so you know. And know this well. It was never me. You never felt me. You never tasted me. That wasn't me. No, Kaiden, what you felt and tasted was Garrus." His eyes rolled, and he made a moaning gurgling sound. I smiled. "Yes, that's right. Garrus. And he didn't even trap me. No, I begged him to come in me. On me. Over and over. I begged him to taste me." I think that hurt him more than the beating. " You-never-had-me. You will-never-have-me. ... Remember that."

* * *

A/N: Something dark that was rattling around. My sincere apologies to the Kaiden lovers.

I don't have anything against Kaiden, though I believe he's a better LI for mShep than femShep.

For the anonymous reviewers: I warned you this wasn't for Kaidan lovers. Flames will be ignored/deleted.

Thanks for reading, and please R&amp;R.


	2. Chapter 2

Aftermath

* * *

I rolled and got back on my hands and knees. I was so spent, I didn't trust myself to stand. I moved to the closest shower stall. I reached up, grabbed the rail, and pulled myself up. I leaned against the wall for a moment. Not fully trusting myself to stand.

I feel somewhat steady. I headed towards the door, staying close to the walls, just in case. Out in the hall, I slump against the wall. I should wake Chakwas, have her check on Alenko. In a daze, I head to … my cabin?. It's closest, I move that way.

I didn't understand any of this. He was a fellow squad-mate. While we weren't friends, we weren't enemies either. I stepped into the elevator, pushing buttons. How badly could you want to be with someone? Had I led him on? I don't recall doing so. I stepped out of the elevator, started walking. But why so much anger? Nothing fit, nothing made sense.

I banged on the hatch. I thought I was headed to my cabin. In a daze, I don't remember coming down here. The hatch pops open, slight flare of his mandibles, as he yawns. He reaches for me, and I collapse.

Will somebody please turn off the fucking light? I'm so tired. Damn. I'm am so tired. I never realized how noisy it was down here. I pull the blanket tighter around me. Goddamn, it's noisy down here. I blindly feel around until I find what I'm looking for. I pull the pillow tight over my head. Much better.

I'm in that twilight zone between sleep and cognizance, when someones shaking me, calling my name. Fuck. Can't anyone just let me rest. It's been a pretty fucked up day.

Goddammit. Fuck. I throw the pillow and sit up. Right, Mako. Where's Garrus? Fuck, I'm tired. Chakwas is kneeling in front of me, and Tali's standing in front of the hatch. Wringing her hands. Does she always wring her hands?

"Eh, what's up, Doc?" I smile at my joke. Doubt anyone will get it. And judging by the look on her face, Chakwas isn't getting it. I yawn.

"Commander. Are you all right?" I nod. Dammit, I can't keep my eyes open. "I'd like to examine, all right? I start to nod, then reconsider. "Ah, how thorough?" I cast a quick glance Tali's way. It's nothing against Tali, but if I have to fess up about Garrus and I. Well, Chakwas has to keep her mouth shut, Tali, not so much.

Chakwas takes the hint, and asks Tali to leave, closing the hatch behind her.

"Commander." My eyes blink open. Dammit, I cannot keep my eyes open.

"I'm sorry. I cannot keep my eyes open. What do you need me to do?" The exam was going well until I removed my shirt. "Who did this?" She asked. I expected to see three digit hand prints, but the redness and bruising were from a human hand. I hadn't noticed he'd been so rough.

"Kaiden." She fiddled with her datapad, then took pictures. "And judging by his condition, it wasn't consensual?" I shook my head. "And I'm guessing you had consensual sex with someone other than Kaiden. Someone who you'd prefer remain nameless at this time?" I nodded.

"Want to tell me what happened?" She would've made a good cop. Knew the right tone when asking questions. I put my head between my hands.

"I went to take a late night shower.." I paused, she nodded. Understood what I wasn't saying. "Kaiden." I cleared my throat. "Kaiden was, uh, was waiting for me. Extremely drunk. He asked me to drink with him. I declined. He didn't take that too well." She arched a brow, I shook my head. "Why am I so fucking tired?"

She mulled it over. "Short answer. Traumatic experience." My turn to arch a brow. "Doc, my life is nothing but traumatic experiences." She gave me a wan smile. "With a friend?" Touche'.

"You were saying, Commander." I scrubbed my face with my palms. "Yeah. So. He told me he had a new trick. Which was a stasis field. Seemed pretty proud of it." My turn for a wan smile. "He just forgot to maintain it." I detailed the short, but violent encounter. She'd nod, or shake her head, never really saying anything.

"What's the verdict? Relieved of command?" A big smile I didn't feel. It did fade to a genuine small one, when I saw her shaking her head.

"You should probably seek counseling when we return. You are planning on surviving this aren't you?" I chuckled at that one. "Oh yeah. I always plan to survive. That's what makes me Commander Shepard." I held my arms out. She headed towards the hatch, stopped, looked back. "Come by later. I'd like to give you a couple preventive meds, just to be safe."

I nodded, then. "Nothing actually happened. But sure. And thanks." She popped the hatch, and climbed out. She was immediately replaced by a very anxious looking Turian. I smiled, waved him in.

"Welcome to my office." I said as he sat down in the gunners seat. He spun it to face me, I held my hands up. He looked me over, then reached across and lifted my shirt up. His eyes went cold, his mandibles tight to his face. Right. Yeah, well, I knew he was a detective when I hired him. Feels like a lifetime ago. Was a lifetime ago.

"You OK?"

"Yeah. Tired as fuck though. You?" I reached over, grabbed a hand, wrapping my fingers around his.

"Not sure. It's my lounge, not your office, by the way. Why don't you stretch out." He handed me a pillow. I could tell he had a lot of questions.

"Go ahead." He tilted his head, pretty sure that meant curious, or questioning. "Questions." He needs a hat. Like those real old vids. All the detectives wore hats. When he goes into investigator mode, he puts on his hat. Tips his hat, C-Sec, Ma'am. Yeah, he needed a hat.

I squeezed his hand. "You're in detective mode. Ask away." I'm pretty sure he gave me a turian version of a smile before getting a very serious look on his face.

"Why didn't you say anything, earlier?" Serious, and concerned, maybe?

"Honestly. I was, am the most tired I've ever been. I just wanted to sleep. I don't even remember coming down here. I thought I was headed to my cabin.." I'm guessing skeptical, or disbelieving. He just nodded, though.

"You want to talk about it?" I fluffed up the pillow, put it on my knees. I picked it up, flipped it over. Shit. No, not really. Asshole. Ruined a great night.

"How far out are we? He didn't even flinch at the non-sequiter. "About nine hours til we hit the relay."

If anyone deserved to know what happened, it was him. Problem was, we really didn't have the time. I had to sleep. I can't be running around Ilos half-asleep. And, I wanted one last briefing before orbit. No, not enough time.

Crap. I'd just realized something. Well, it made the decision easier. As soon as the Alliance got Chakwas's report, the shit will hit the fan. And most of it will hit me. Mandated medical leave. Mandated psych evals. Mandated counseling. Mandated physicals. Mandated debriefs. Many debriefs.

I could refuse, claiming Spectre status. But, I'd lose the Normandy. Hell. I might lose her anyway. Fuck it, I'll deal with all this later. If we survive this, that is.

Make things easier all the way around if I didn't survive.

One day, all the shit in my head will come tumbling out. With any luck, there won't be any casualties.

One last thing, then a nap. Deep breath. Exhale.

"No." OK. That look I recognized. Surprise. Then back to detective mode. If we survive, I'm buying him a hat.

I held up my hands, forestalling any questions. "If we survive all this, I'll tell you everything." An idea surfaced. "Then maybe, a lost weekend. If you're interested, that is." Head tilt, then he asked. "Lost weekend?"

"Alcohol. Whatever else you can think of. More alcohol." I explained. He's quiet. Then his mandibles flare out, he nods. "Yeah. Maybe skip Ilos, and go straight to that." Asshole. Don't make me laugh right now. I'm in serious mode.

"Yeah. That'd be nice."

I reached over grabbed his hands. I wrapped my fingers around his, rested my elbows on my knees. He shifted, knee to knee, face to face.

"Garrus. I need you to promise me something." He arched a brow plate. "I need you to stay away from all of this." Yep. Reaction I expected. His expression dark. "Please. If you get involved … Shit. The Alliance is going to less than pleased with the way things are right now." Understatement. "If you step into the picture … they'll be more than happy to flip everything your way." Well, that didn't improve his mood.

I'd explained to him that the Alliance would bury this. Confidential and redacted. They'd bury this deep. From here on out, I'm the hero with an asterisk.

Sure, she saved the galaxy. But, come on, look at her. She has visions. She stole a warship. She defied the council. She defied the Admiralty board. She defied the Ambassador. She doesn't wear the uniform. She had aliens on her ground-team. She left an Alliance soldier to die. She fucks Turians.

Their life would be much easier to flip all that on you. And me.

"I know you don't like it. But do you understand?"

He never said a word. He just studied me for a moment. He pulled his hands free, and got up, popped the hatch. I heard him yell something to Wrex before it slammed shut.

I threw the pillow on the floor, grabbed a blanket, laid down. Thankfully, sleep came quickly.

In that sleepy awareness of the outside world, I registered his return. He lay down beside me, and pulled me to him. I curled into him. He smelled of sweat and blood.

Yeah, he understood.

* * *

A/N: Thanks for taking the time to read. For the Kaiden lovers, again I apologize.

Hopefully you thought this was OK.

Please R&amp;R. And as always, thank you.


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